Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Scott keeps asking what I want for my birthday

I mostly post pictures and fun things, this will be me openly ranting about things on my mind. If it is not your bag feel free to back out now.

So Scott keeps asking me what I want for my birthday and if and when I want to have a party. We entertain all the time when it is warmer. I have always had some kind of movie related birthday party where I have projected films, sometimes themed, we have always done something. So he keeps asking me and all I can say is I do not know.
I think this actually stems from the fact I am turning 40 and I do not seem to like that.
It's funny, I reflect back to turning 30 and thinking ew 30, I sooo do not feel 30 and it took until I was 36 to settle into being ok withe being 30. I always got away with looking younger then I really was and sadly I never realized it till the weird facial hairs started popping up, wrinkles started setting in and I started dying my hair lighter colors to better hide the grey. I am aware I am aging but I was somewhat also comfortably in denial about that. The milestone birthdays really do not help.
I now sit here ten years later thinking ew, 40, I soooo do not feel 40. I am not typically a depressed kind of person but I keep catching myself in a weird head space reflecting back on how I have wasted my life and since I am not having kids I have to create as much art as I can before I go as something to remind people of me after I go. Not sure why I care about my immortality art wise as I will not be around to witness it but I am. I also struggle with giving it all up and just getting a full time job and saying screw it as art is soooo hard to keep perpetuating just to scrape by.
So when he asks what I want to do for my birthday I mouth the words I do not know and space out thinking ew 40, like not having a party will stop it from happening. What do I want? I let go a long time ago of wanting anything really I usually ask for things I need. I get everything I need from him so once again my answer becomes, I do not know.
I am not very helpful